Slow down and lean in

It's not wrong to feel. 
When things are painful, it's okay to show it. 
Band aid on brokenness can get messy. 
It is fine to lament whilst you're praying. 
It can be both and not either or.
You can be courageous though unsure.
Remember a life of emotion isn't a sentence of blues. 
Be vulnerable to own what's true.
The tears, the joy, you grow through it. 
What have you learned?
What can you take from your heart being churned?
How does that serves your new direction, and where would you land?
You're never forsaken, even when you're mistaken. 
Slow down and lean in on how you feel.
Then go again, having known the walk you've been shown. 
Don't stop growing and let your authentic life be what is showing. 

//
I find myself grieving for days with the spirit. Ended some nights in tears and prayers, overwhelmed by the stories I heard in this time of war. I see their faces in my mind. Children, mothers, soldiers, my friends and sisters. 

Lost dreams, homes destroyed, blurred future, even death. Hideous war crimes are happening; children raped, girls trafficked, families deported.  

God, you grieve more than I do. What are you saying? 

“Life is pitiful, death so familiar, suffering and pain so common, yet I would not be anywhere else. Do not wish me out of this or in any way seek to get me out, for I will not be got out while this trial is on. These are my people, God has given them to me, and I will live or die with for Him and His glory.” – Gladys Aylward

Often people said, " No pain, no gain." But there is an indescribable pain that far outweighs the gain. It seems like a Pyrrhic victory.. Yet, He says that our present troubles are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Romans 8:18; 2 cor 4:17). In life, there are many questions left unanswered, we can only know in full when we see Him face to face.

It is easy for an outsider to go into theological arguments and reasoning with God and questions the  problem of pain and evil, feeling all the anger and bitterness when justice isn't served, innocent people get hurt and that evil are let off the hook.  However, when you are actually experiencing tormenting emotional pain, you will know that you are not exactly looking for an answer, for even having one will not satisfy that hook and questions in your heart, but what you need is peace, comfort, presence, knowing that even in the darkest valley, you are not alone, He is there all along, and His rod and staff, they comfort you (psalm 23). A little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human empathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.

The next time when my heart breaks, sharing burdens but bearing load that is too much for me to carry, go back to these very truth..
1) the simple good descend from god
2) the simple evil produced by rebellious creatures
3) the exploitation of that evil by god for his redemptive purpose
4) which produces the complex good to which accepted suffering and repented sin contribute.

//
You hold them now, Lord.

I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease

All creation lives in peace

All our fears swept away

In the light of Your embrace

Where Your love is all We need

And forever We are free

No weeping, no hurt or pain

No suffering

You hold them now

No darkness no sick or lame

No hiding

You hold them now

//

I myself am a great coward in experiencing pain. When i think of pain, the heartbreaking routine of monotonous misery, or again of dull aches or sudden nauseating pains that knock my heart out at one blow, of pains that seem already intolerable and then are sullenly increased. If I knew any way of escape, I would find it with all my might. Pain hurts. that is what the word means. Yet through pain, I learned not that we are self sufficient, but that we have the sufficiency to trust in heaven. 

By God's grace, I become consciously dependent on god and drawing its strength from the right sources, that He is enough and I can cling on to the greater hope that all these will cease.

At first i am overwhelmed, then I'm reminded that my true good is in another world and my only real treasure is in Christ.


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